I spent an entire month on self-development

#01 better life series: the month of september

Things I loved this month: finding fruits to eat during long walks, buying half of my favourite church’s gift shop, reading with my toes in the sea, learning my body’s movements, riding my bike, changing my room’s layout every other day, baking at the start of every weekend

Things I’m looking forward to next month: hanging up my artwork, reading books for intellectual stimulation, going second-hand furniture shopping, settling into my internship, finding savoury recipes to save, developing detailed self-care rituals

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This month of September felt unique in many ways. For seven years, I spend the month preparing for a new semester: purchasing books from a professor’s reading list, moving into a new dorm room, attending introductory events. For seven years I wore the identity of a student – an identity that felt more like a life vest to keep myself pulled away from the endless questions of purpose. Zipped into its entanglements, I never dared to unknot myself for fear of being pulled towards the water’s pit.

Yet, this month of September felt unique because for the first time in what seems forever, I had no courses to sign up for, no job awaiting me, and no structure to frame my days with. This September, I had no choice but to be stagnant.

Without no current to sweep me up, and no life vest to pull me away, I was immobile. So, I focused not on where to go with the current, but on how to be within myself. I spent a month of spare time on my self-development. I tried to understand who I wanted to be, and not what I wanted to do. I made growth a priority. I grew, 1) untangled from a career and other material definitions, and 2) rooted in much deeper understandings.

Now, I must admit (yes, disclaimer!) that I only had the guts to frame my month into focusing on who I am and not what I do, due to the fact that I will be starting an internship towards the end of October (which I’m super exited to share more about once it’s settled). Even now, the idea of having something stable awaiting me is a small reassurance I have yet to let go off. Yet, in a way, this small reassurance led the way for a month framed by its intentions.

Here is my September narrated in terms of growth, not success.

One of the things I wanted to focus on this month was all the details I had previously pushed back. All the bureaucratic and official procedures on a long list I’ve never checked, I made a priority. Some of these were done in a matter of minutes, and some of them are currently underway.

In moving to a country that is my own, I felt comfortable making changes that will have long-term effects. I met with my new doctor and discussed the reality of having been on the pill since the second year of having my period, and my worries for its long-term effects. I was given several options and settled on a solution I believe respects both my body and my worries – worries I have had for the past three years that I diminished. Yet, in the span of four minutes, a doctor that had never previously met me accepted and defended my concerns better than I had for most of them. I was heard and aided simply by booking an appointment I had worried about needlessly.

I also faced another dreaded task: passing my driver’s licence. I had previously clung to the fact that I lived in countries where English was not commonly spoken to delay the inevitable. All the years I had spent pushing it to the bottom pit of my to-do list were now slowly fading away. Again, there are many aspects that may seem exiting to many that are daunting some. For me, my severe motion sickness and a rap sheet of having thrown up in almost every elder relative’s car lead me to believe that I could do away from learning to drive. That I wasn’t in the right country, that I didn’t have enough time, that this and that. Good thing I had nothing to do this September!

In all honestly, I wouldn’t consider myself taken by driving. I wouldn’t consider myself an excellent driver either. But knowing that I have the ability to lessen the burden of my parents on long road trips, or lend a friend a hand for a move, that makes it all worth it. To focus not on personal success, but outwards growth.

I’ve met myself where I am, with no sense of urgency.